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um feeding pigeons； when a couple of girls sat near and began enticing my pigeons away； laughing and whispering to one another； and i looked straight in front of me； very indignant； and presently went into the museum without turning my head towards them。 since then i have often wondered if they were pretty or merely very young。 sometimes i told myself very adventurous love stories with myself for hero； and at other times i planned out a life of lonely austerity； and at other times mixed the ideals and planned a life of lonely austerity mitigated by periodical lapses。 i had still the ambition； formed in sligo in my teens； of living in imitation of thoreau on innisfree； a little island in lough gill； and when walking through fleet street very homesick i heard a little tinkle of water and saw a fountain in a shop window which balanced a little ball upon its jet and began to remember lake water。 from the sudden remembrance came my poem innisfree； my first lyric with anything in its rhythm of my own music。 i had begun to loosen rhythm as an escape from rhetoric； and from that emotion of the crowd that rhetoric brings； but i only understood vaguely and occasionally that i must； for my special purpose； use nothing but the mon syntax。 a couple of years later i would not have written that first line with its conventional archaism？？arise and go？？nor the inversion in the last stanza。 passing another day by the new law courts； a building that i admired because it was gothic；？？it is not very good； morris had said； but it is better than any thing else they have got and so they hate it。？？i grew suddenly oppressed by the great weight of stone； and thought； there are miles and miles of stone and brick all round me； and presently added； if john the baptist； or his like； were to e again and had his mind set upon it； he could make all these peoplego out into some wilderness leaving their buildings empty； and that thought； which does not seem very valuable now； so enlightened the day that it is still vivid in the memory。 i spent a few days at oxford copying out a seventeenth century translation of poggios liber facetiarum or the hypneroto？machia of poliphili for a publisher； i forget which； for i copied both； and returned very pale to my troubled family。 i had lived upon bread and tea because i thought that if antiquity found locust and wild honey nutritive； my soul was strong enough to need no better。 i was always planning some great gesture； putting the whole world into one scale of the balance and my soul into the other； and imagining that the whole world somehow kicked the beam。 more than thirty years have passed and i have seen no forcible young man of letters brave the metropolis without some like stimulant； and all； after two or three； or twelve or fifteen years； according to obstinacy； have understood that we achieve； if we do achieve； in little diligent sedentary stitches as though we were making lace。 i had one unmeasured advantage from my stimulant： i could ink my socks； that they might not show through my shoes； with a most haughty mind； imagining myself； and my torn tackle； somewhere else； in some far place under the canopy 。。。 i the city of kites and crows。
in london i saw nothing good； and constantly remembered that ruskin had said to some friend of my fathers？？as i go to my work at the british museum i see the faces of the people bee daily more corrupt。
i convinced myself for a time； that on the same journey i saw but what he saw。 certain old womens faces filled me with horror； faces that are no longer there； or if they are； pass before me unnoticed： the fat blotched faces； rising above double chins； of women who have drunk too much beer and eaten too much meat。 in dublin i had often seen old women walking with erect heads and gaunt bodies； talking to themselves in loud voices； mad with drink and poverty； but they were different； they belonged to romance： da vinci has drawn women who looked so and so carried their bodies。
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Four YearsXIII
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i attempted to restore one old friend of my fathers to the practice of his youth； but failed though he； unlike my father； had not changed his belief。 my father brought me to dine with jack nettleship at wigmore street； once inventor of imaginative designs and now a painter of melodramatic lions。 at dinner i had talked a great deal？？too much； i imagine； for so young a man； or may be for any man？？and on the way home my father； who had been plainly anxious that i should make a good impression； was very angry。 he said i had talked for effect and that talking for effect was precisely what one must never do； he had always hated rhetoric and emphasis and had made me hate it； and his anger plunged me into great dejection。 i called at nettleships studio the next day to apologise and nettleship opened the door himself and received me with enthusiasm。 he had explained to some woman guest that i would probably talk well； being an irishman； but the reality had surpassed； etc。； etc。 i was not flattered； though relieved at not having to apologise； for i soon discovered that what he really admired was my volubility； for he himself was very silent。 he seemed about sixty； had a bald head； a grey beard； and a nose； as one of my fathers friends used to say； like an opera glass； and sipped cocoa all the afternoon and evening from an enormous tea cup that must have been designed for him alone； not caring how cold the cocoa grew。 years before he had been thrown from his horse while hunting and broken his arm and； because it had been badly set； suffered great pain for along time。 a little whiskey would always stop the pain； and soon a little became a great deal and he found himself a drunkard； but having signed his liberty away for certain months he was pletely cured。 he had acquired； however； the need of some liquid which he could sip constantly。 i brought him an admiration settled in early boyhood； for my father had always said； george wilson was our born painter but nettleship our genius； and even had he shown me nothing i could care for； i had admired him still because my admiration was in my bones。 he showed me his early designs and they； though often badly drawn； fulfilled my hopes。 something of blake they certainly did show； but had in place of blakes joyous intellectual energy a saturnian passion and melancholy。 god creating evil
the death？ like head with a woman and a tiger ing from the forehead； which rossetti？？or was it browning？？？had described as the most sublime design of ancient or modern art had been lost； but there was another version of the same thought and other designs never published or exhibited。 they rise before me even now in meditation； especially a blind titan？like ghost floating with groping hands above the treetops。 i wrote a criticism； and arranged for reproductions with the editor of an art magazine； but after it was written andaccepted the proprietor； lifting what i considered an obsequious caw in the huxley； tyndall； carolus duran； bastien？lepage rookery； insisted upon its rejection。 nettleship did not mind its rejection； saying； who cares for such things now？ not ten people； but he did mind my refusal to show him what i had written。 though what i had written was all eulogy； i dreaded his judgment for it was my first art criticism。 i hated his big lion pictures； where he attempted an art too much concerned with the sense of touch； with the softness or roughness； the minutely observed irregularity of surfaces； for his genius； and i think he knew it。 rossetti used to call my pictures pot？ boilers； he said； but they are all？？all； and he waved his arms to the canvases； symbols。 when i wanted him to design gods and angels and lost spirits once more； he always came back to the point； nobody would be pleased。 everybody should have a raison detre was one of his phrases。
mrs？？s articles are not good but they are her raison detre。 i had but little knowledge of art； for there was little scholarship in the dublin art school； so i overrated the quality of anything that could be connected with my general beliefs about the world。 if i had been able to give angelical； or diabolical names to his lions i might have liked them also and i think that nettleship himself would have liked t